Every now and then I suffer from what I classify as Cyclic Depression. This can start in the Creative Phase and intensify and finish in the Reflective Phase as I am reviewing my life. This happens when things are not aligned in my life and I am overwhelmed, perhaps I’m not entirely aware of what they are or why, but my body knows and it sends me into a downward spiral of low energy and self criticism very fast.
It’s all good and well to know that this can be sometimes part of the cycle – but what do you actually do when you are here in the thick of it??
For someone who has experienced depression for a number of years previously (initially side effects from the pill coupled with family stress in my younger years) I am very familiar with the treacherous territory it brings. These are some of the things I remind myself when I revisit the old monster who has paid a visit for a reason:
Once you are in it there seems to be no way out, loved ones can give you countless advice on staying present, moving the body, self love, getting outside etc.. but at this stage nothing seems to reach you once you have dropped below the point of no return. It is almost as if all parts of you – mind, body and soul – have collided into a chaos, and you need to ride it out. No amount of thinking “stay present” can get you out of there, perhaps momentarily, but you are here for a reason. The mind is erratic and trying to control it at this point adds to the pressure of critical analysis.
Rational thought is gone and you know the only way out is through. Just keep going, you will get there, this too will pass. You usually cry it out until you are exhausted, your mind shuts up and you literally can’t do anything but sleep. You need to disconnect from the world momentarily. Sometimes a run will help, but not so good for the middle of the night. There is still a part of you that looks out for your well being because you really don’t want to die or hurt yourself. This usually lasts only one, maybe two days depending on the intensity of what needs to come through.
There will come a point of stillness and silence. You have cried and let everything go, you are empty and have no more energy let to fight. You are present finally. A shower is usually nice at this point to wash the emotion away and enjoy the fleeting moment of being present and peaceful.
There is a distinguishing point in the stillness where you will find the opportunity to make a series of choices to climb your way out. After you have ‘purged’, you now have a choice of how you feel. You have always had this choice but sometimes you just cannot recognise it.
Be very gentle with yourself from here, stay present, try not to think too much and make baby step choices to clamber your way out. You will reach the point where the choice to return to the material world is very clear and the connection to the vortex of depression is shut off. The choice to feel how you want is easier to obtain. Do something nice for yourself, something you really enjoy just for you. Just stop and take some time for yourself, let go of all of your worries, they are not serving you at all.
Ease your way back into the reality you choose now, gently reflect on the information you have gathered at your zero point. Write it all out, this helps you process. Don’t be too focused on actioning anything, the energy will return for that later. Stay present, nature will help heal you, crawling and staying close to the ground will ground you. Eat something nourishing.
And remember this will pass, as does everything, it is all temporary x
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