Remember that part of Alice in Wonderland where Alice started crying the whole room filled up with her tears and created a sea… well anyway, that was me in my yoga class today, and I noticed my judgement of being ‘that girl in my class that balled half the time’.
It was a particularly hard class and I had low energy and without even noticing it I was being a bit mean internally, like “C’mon Kerry, just put in a little more effort”, and “You think you are fit but you really aren’t, you’re a big fake” (Geeeeeezuz brain…). My teacher told a story about how sometimes he was mean to himself in some harder poses, and his teacher reminded him “that’s YOU in there, remember that, be nice to you”. And well, that just set me off (plus the moon is in Cancer – all the feels), I noticed my own very faint mean voices, and I was sad. Plus I could feel things had been building up and I needed the release to just have a cry.
But I’ve always had this thing about crying in public, so at first I held it in a little, and then thought “fuck it. Let go!” and I did. (And it synchronistically flowed with the class, bonus). Well like Alice, and a dammed body of water, the flood gates opened and pools started forming on my mat. And it felt sooooo good! The BEST! But there were lots of moments of judging myself about being ‘the crying girl’ in my class even though I was relatively silent… But I kept letting go and I got lighter and lighter over the course of the next 20 or so minutes.
Crying is so good for me, I do it at home or in my car, or anywhere privately whenever I need to, and in safe held spaces of course, but publicly I have always felt too vulnerable. Until today, I played with own ability to really let go, and hold myself, in a packed yoga class, and not give a fuck. This was so intimately for me.
Now some people can do this, some people are really good cryers in whatever situation and can really easily let go, but some are also not, and this is for you if you are one of them. The feeling of letting it all go in a room full of people was so blissful, and I’m now converted for good. I am A Public Cryer.
After leaving class, donning my red puffy eyes and runny nose with moments of incredible vulnerability AND pride, I thought… wow I actually don’t see many people cry in public. It’s such a part of us, why are there not more public display of tears? In all of the yoga classes I’ve been in, I have really only witnessed a handful of people shed a few tears – in an environment where you are stretching and opening and releasing… It’s a relatively safe and held space too. Do most of us just hold it all in? Or am I particularly emotional? I know we don’t cry ALL the time, but based on the percentage of classes, how often things may come up, cycles, male vs female ratio and where the moon is – to how many people I’ve seen cry, the odds of experiencing people snotting all over the place should be higher, in my opinion.
I LOVE it when people cry in random places at random times! Not just in a sad movie or a deep personal development course but what about just walking down the street, doing your grocery shopping or running with your dog. Sure, we don’t want to be swimming in everyones releasing emotions all the time – but we kinda are anyway – they are just more under the surface and not so clear to us. I wonder what would happen if we more freely let go publicly? Just for us. Just to move through whatever is coming up with the awareness that the body is just freely experiencing, feeling and the releasing emotion. It’s when we put a lid on it, or shove it back down that makes us uptight, closed off, pole-up-the-arse-walkers. And I’m no stranger to that feeling. I’m REALLY good at that around others.
But I love it when I cry, I used to HATE it and go to great lengths not to, because I know when I do, it’s a fucking FLOOD and it messes up my whole face, my eyes and head go bright red and puffy, snot runs everywhere and I look like I have been slightly strangled. So publicly crying was pretty messy and left me wide open in places where I may not have felt safe. But I am safe. I am my own safety blanket – it’s taken a while to learn that. Even when I lose it completely. I don’t need to be comforted or held, I just want to feel comfortable letting shit go, where ever I am, knowing the earth will absorb all of my tears with wonderful joy. Without judgement from others and particularly from myself. It’s a work in progress.
So today I decided it’s totally ok to cry in public. To be seen in my most vulnerable state. To let it all go whenever I need to, no matter how uncomfortable someone else my feel. And I wanted to share that. Join me in the healthy release of emotions – without being drowned by them, turn on the inquisitive, smiling observer, cry with me in public if you feel you need to. Let that shit go.
Signed,
That crying girl in yoga class.
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