I have been quiet recently and it is because I have been feeling pretty disconnected and crappy in myself, lots of low self worth stuff coming up without really realising it. Every time I’ve gone to post something I’ve thought ‘what’s the point?’
I’m travelling at the moment, settling into a new space for a while and kind of put my cycle compass down for a few months. Sure, I know what phase I’m in but I have found myself asking lately ‘what does that even mean? Soooo I’m in reflective phase – there is a high chance I’m going to be thoughtful and reflect on shit, yes analytical brain gets that, but what am I missing?’ Lately I have been really down on myself – feeling like nobody really values me, I’m not authentic enough, I’m not loud enough, social enough, strong enough, sexy enough – just not enough!
While trying to figure out where these feelings stem from, I pinned it down to not giving ME enough, the outside is just a reflection of what’s going on inside. I stopped and chilled for a few days when I had my period but I missed the point. I’ve been missing the underlying silent knowledge my cycle brings me, the chance to clean out the system completely, to shed and let go of things that don’t serve. To re-evaluate and reposition my focus, attention and intentions going forward. This forms the perception and the filter you see the world through. Mine has been a bit fuzzy lately. Maybe also because its winter and I am in summer on the other side of the world – really feeling that one this time around.
When I look at my life in recent months, zoom out a little bit, I see that my focus has been more on my relationship and pleasing my clients. A sort of co-dependency has formed and swallowed the independent woman not making her very strong (‘I am a strrrrong independent woman!’ – My Colombian friend would say in her sexy accent). I’m in one of the most beautiful places, writing this as humming birds buzz around my head and eagles fly and call out above and I feel pretty fucking average with myself. This is why – I forgot to nourish me – this is a lesson that I seem to learn over and over again – the most important part of the cycle, the deep connection, was skipped.
Reflection is the beginning phase of the cycle and time to go inward. It is like winter – you stay in, you nourish, you have time to think more about your life, you gain a little bit of weight to keep your organs warm and you shed shit you don’t need. Reflective phase is like a shedding of emotional webbing, if we don’t shed the layers of the build-up they keep piling on, thick and thin in some parts, unevenly proportional, putting strain on or stagnating different energy systems (or organs) of the body.
I have been only semi-conscious of my cycle for a few months and tried to trick myself by just physically resting for a few days and using distractions so as to not go too deep. It is really clear that having alone and reflective down time needs to be a conscious and continuous practice – which is challenging when you are travelling. It is the time of great visioning and understanding, and not harnessing that power is detrimental to our health. There are always going to be a river of emotions coming and going but if they are not dealt with and resolved using the power of our cycles and awareness, they can lodge themselves in our beings and manifest into a physical imbalance or even disease.
Sometimes we need to get lost to redirect ourselves, and it’s ok to feel terrible as long as there is an awareness that it is all for a reason. And we are conscious to the physical, spiritual and emotional power of our natural cycles and can feel when our bodies are giving us signs of imbalance.
I little bit of me time gave me my compass back.
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